


When Angels Cry

by LRoge



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bunker, Coda Fiction, Conversation, Intimacy, M/M, Season 8, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-20
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-27 08:37:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5041489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LRoge/pseuds/LRoge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Dean tells Human Cas he can't stay at the bunker, an emotional scene takes place between them causing both to question what they mean to each other and the depth of their friendship. Dean can't stand lying to Castiel, but is he really lying? Forced to make the difficult choice between Gadreel and saving Sam, or losing Castiel, Dean discovers painful emotions he doesn't want to deal with. Sam is there to talk him through it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Angels Cry

“You can’t stay,” said Dean. Cas looked back at him in crushing confusion.

“What’s wrong, Dean? I thought you wanted me to be here because it was safe.” 

Dean sat across from Cas in the library of the Men of Letters bunker. He sighed.

“I know, and I did, but you see….I didn’t realize how bad the other angels wanted you. We found out that a reaper was on you because of us. I mean, we were tailed by a reaper. If the angels put him on you, and told him to find us to get to you. Well then, nothing is safe if we know where you are.”

“I thought you wanted to know where I was. To make sure I was ok?”

“I do. You see, Cas, it’s Sam. He’s says he’s up to his full strength but he’s not. It’s the trials. They almost killed him. Well, they kind of did kill him. Your friend Ezekiel helped me help him. He’s getting better. It’s just…if the angels find you here- we can’t survive…an incursion.”

“An incursion? Are you expecting an attack?”

“No. But believe me, if Sam was 100% this is where I’d want you to be. Now that you’re human and all. I just I can’t risk Sam, you know? I don’t want to upset you or make you feel like you’re not important to us. It’s just…I need to get Sam better.”

“I understand.” There was a long pause and Cas’s hurt puppy face started to melt. He began blinking rapidly and taking deep breaths. 

“No. Come on, what’s wrong?” Dean asked. Watching Cas try not to cry was horrible. Like being stabbed. No. He’d been stabbed before. This was worse. 

Cas crying was terrible. He’d never cried. Watching him try not to, when he didn’t know what crying was and couldn’t figure out what was happening to him, that was the next level of worse. “Cas. Don’t cry.” Dean ordered.

Cas took a deep shaky breath as the first tears spilled out of the corners of his eyes. “I’m sorry, Dean. I’m sorry I died and made you worry about me. Then you found a way to bring me back, while you’re worried about your brother and it’s my fault all the angels are after me.”

“Don’t…” Dean reached for the words in his mind as he struggled against the building pressure below his eyes. His breath started to become ragged too. Damnit! he thought. Cas continued.

“You have been through so much, Dean. And my mistakes have not made things easier for you. I have done, things that I regret. And still, you come looking for me. You found a way to bring me back, and took care of me.…”

“It’s ok, Cas. We look out for each other. We’re family.” Deep breaths, he thought. 

“I broke my family. It’s because of me that they are cut off from heaven, walking the earth, wreaking havoc and wanting to kill me.” Cas took a deep shuttering breath. 

“Cas, not getting along with your family? That’s human.” Dean stared across at Cas who had closed his eyes. Tears escaped his eyelids nonetheless. “You make your own family. And you belong here, with us. We just can’t be under one roof for awhile, ok? That’s all.”

Cas nodded, and sniffed like a little boy. “I love you, Dean. Very much.”

“Don’t say that.” Tears pricked the corners of Dean’s eyes. He wasn’t sure why. He didn’t want to know.

“It is the truth.” Cas said, tears streaming down his face now, though he seemed to have some more control. “You have been there for me, and not given up on me. Even when you have been angry with me, you have been a great friend and help to me. I can think of no one else I trust as much as you. And I have often; put you in a bad situation.”

“Cas, don’t.” Dean sighed. “Don’t feel bad. It’s just, I gotta look after Sammy, you know? You have been there for us. You have saved my ass more times than I could count. And seriously, this life? The way it is, if I didn’t have you to talk to, or pray to, or the things you say that make me laugh, I would have killed myself. I’m sure of it.”

His eyes were wet now. Cas could see it. Did Cas know what that meant?

“But, Sam?”

“Sometimes things with Sam and me aren’t good” Dean continued. “But I had an angel at my side I could count on. I mean it, Cas. Without you, there have been plenty of times I would have given it up.”

“I’m sorry, Dean. For all the times I’ve disappointed you. I’m sorry I’ve become human and now I can’t be there for you if you call. It’s not right of me to put you and Sam in danger. I have no right to need you, still”

Dean leaned in, and lowered his voice. Was it Zeke or Sam, he was afraid of hearing what he was about to say? Even though he didn’t know what he was going to say as he opened his mouth, “Listen, Cas, more than anything, I want you to be able to be here so we know where you are and that you’re all right, but … it can’t be right now.”

“I know, Dean,” Cas leaned in close as well. Dean could feel his breath on his face as he exhaled. He leaned in further still and pressed his lips to Dean’s upper lip. Dean felt Castiel’s tears touch his face. That fact, the wet of his tears on Dean’s face, made a tremor run through his body as sure as if he’d been touched by a live electrical wire.

An animal hunger took over in Dean and his lips found Castiel’s. There were kisses and breaths, the touch of skin against each other’s face. Seconds passed that felt like minutes, and Cas reached for him. Dean rocked back in his chair and broke their contact, but Cas put his hands on Dean’s forearms, he leaned forward and nuzzled Dean’s face before whispering,

“I want to be with you, Dean. Like I was with April. Only this would be better. I feel so much more for you. We have shared so much. We should have this too, together.” 

“We can’t.” Dean breathed, awkwardly. 

His breath catching again, his body aching to hold Cas, he tried to get oxygen to his brain. Everything felt far away. Everything except the desire, the hunger, to kiss Cas again.

“Well, I don’t really know, how…” Cas said slowly, looking confused, “but I believe, it is done.”

“We can’t,” Dean cleared his throat, How to explain it? “because I’m me, and you’re….you’re a man.”

Dean watched as Cas inhaled, thinking about this. “Yes, without my grace, I suppose I am a man. You were intimate with Ana in human form. And she had her grace. The shape does bother you, doesn’t it?” 

“You know about that?”

“Yes, I knew about it.”

“Cas, you can’t say this stuff to another man. It’s not….” Dean paused to wipe his tears, “You can’t.”

“It’s not wrong, Dean.” Cas stared at him intently. So blue, those eyes. Dean wanted to break the eye contact, but couldn’t. Awkwardly he thought, look away, look away, while another part of his mind grasped for something to say next.

“It isn’t?” he heard himself say. He hadn’t intended it to be a question. He’d breathed in anticipation of saying “It isn’t me” but he just, stopped.

Cas leaned in and kissed him again. This time Dean opened his mouth to receive Cas’s tongue penetrating his lips. He could taste old coffee, and toothpaste. Cas tasted like shelter and warmth and sweet respite from pain. Dean leaned in closer, to pull more of Cas to him. He felt internal warmth radiating within himself, not unlike he times the angel Castiel had healed him.

“Uhhh,” he heard. They broke away from each other to see a stunned looking Sam standing in the doorway of the library. Sam or Zeke? Had to be Sam, the way he looked both surprised and embarrassed but said nothing. Sam’s eyes were scanning the room and they hit on the keys to the Impala Dean had tossed on the table, when they had come back from their food run. How long ago it seemed. Before Cas had even told them about April. Before Zeke, and this squeezing heaviness in Dean’s chest that had began with this conversation. “I always appreciate our talks, and our time together,” Cas had said.

Sam lurched for the keys where they lay at the end of the table. “Don’t mind me,” he pretended and failed to act casual. “Going for a …a drive. Be back later.” Sam turned and all but ran for the door of the bunker.

“Sam,” Cas stood to speak to him, but he was already gone.

“It’s all right, let him go.”

Cas turned to face Dean. He wiped his face with hands but Dean could still see the tracks of the tears on his cheeks. He wanted to touch that place on his face with his hands; with his lips.

“Dean, I have to leave. It’s not right that I stay here and put you and Sam in danger anymore.”

“Where are you going to go?”

“If I knew, I couldn’t tell you. Angels may find you and try to hurt you in order to find me. You’re safer if you don’t know.”

“Well, you’re going to need…some stuff. Let me get you some clothes, and…and…”

“The sooner I leave the easier it will be….for both of us.”

“You wait right here. I’m going to put a bag together. If you leave before I come back, I’ll kill you.”

Dean stomped through the bunker. He dug through his room, Sam’s room, the kitchen, and came back to the library where Cas was still standing looking lost.

“Ok, I got you some shirts, deodorant, a chapstick, a spare angel blade, some cash, a first aid kit, some food,” he was looking down into the old canvas backpack he’d taken from Sam’s room. Damn, he was thinking of all the extra charms and protections he’d would have given to Cas if they weren’t in the trunk of the Impala – holy oil, for one. Oil. That was like lube. Condoms? Did Cas need condoms? No. No. Dean wasn’t going to give him any of that. “Anything else?”

“Everything will be fine, Dean.” Cas said solemnly. He stepped in closer to take the backpack. Cas close; his old angel personal space issues coming through again. Dean didn’t back away, but he shuffled nervously trying not to make prolonged eye contact. Cas looked, unbelievably sad, yet determined to go.

“You don’t lose that stuff. Do you want me to give you a phone? You’ll have to charge it and put money on it, eventually when you run out minutes.”

“No, it’s ok.”

“Listen, you have our number. You call us if you need anything. Call us, just to check in, let us know you’re all right, Ok?”

“I will Dean.” 

Dean shrugged, not knowing what would come next, expecting maybe that Cas would hug him. Instead Cas just leaned in and said quietly, “I meant it, Dean. What I said. I am sorry if I embarrassed you.”

“It’s Ok,” he croaked. The pressure was building in and around his eyes again. His breath shuddering. Cas leaned in and kissed him sweetly on the cheek, followed by a hard hug, he couldn’t say who initiated. Their lips found each other’s, pressing, lingering as long possible, before Cas finally broke away. 

“Well. I’ll see ya,” he said trying to smile, but his face was a mix of pain and his dopey naïve Cas grin. Dean squeezed his eyes shut and lowered his head, grabbing for his eyes with his palms to keep from bursting with the pain. He heard Cas’s steps make quickly for the door. When he opened his eyes, he was gone. 

Dean walked to the library and poured himself a drink. Then another drink. He finished the last burrito and sat for a while in the library, staring at the chairs they had occupied, willing himself not to think; about Cas, about other things he could have insisted Cas take with him, about the suggestion that they could be together. Half an hour past. No sign of Sammy. Was Sam going to stay out all night? Would Zeke scrub Sam’s memory? No, that would mean talking to Zeke about what he, no doubt, had seen as well. Damnit. Dean reached for his phone. He got Sam’s voicemail.

“Hey Sam, if you get this, there’s no reason you can’t come home. Cas has flown the coop. There’s uh…nothing to see here. So why don’t you just come back ok? Fine.”

Time passed, and more non thoughts. Finally he heard Sam’s footsteps in the hallway. 

“Dean?”

“Ok. Come on out and say it.”

“Come out and say what?”

“Nothing. No one’s coming out. I don’t want to talk about it. Cas is gone.”

“Where did he go?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think he knew, but he said he wouldn’t tell me. He doesn’t want to put us at risk.”

“At risk? We just spent almost a whole week trying to get him here. This is probably the safest place for him.”

“For him, I guess. But not for us,” Dean tried to throw Sam a pointed look, knowing Zeke could see, but Sam didn’t seem to take it in. He approached cautiously, standing in the library across from where Dean sat.

“What did he say?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Dean…”

“Just forget it, Sam. He’s gone. I’m fine, or you know….not fine. But when do I ever want to talk touchy feely? Why would this be any different?”

“Well, you’re obviously going through, uh, …something. I just want to be there to help, if you want.”

“You can’t help me, Sammy. That’s it. End of story.”

“And, anything else?”

“What else? What do you mean, anything else?”

“Dean, I just saw you making out with your best friend. I want to know if there’s anything else you want to…tell me?”

“I’m not gay, Sam.” Dean said, happy to recover some of the “pissed off” ground in this conversation. It was easier to be mad at Sam than admit that letting Cas walk out the door felt like he’d taken an angel blade to the chest. “I like women. I like women a lot. I’ve always liked women.”

“I know you do. I didn’t think you were,” Sam said in his annoying as hell, gentle, understanding way, as he took a seat at the library table. “But obviously Cas, also means a lot to you. It doesn’t have to mean you don’t like women.”

“Look, Cas just died. Right in front of me. I didn’t know if …if I could get him brought back. He’s human now, so, vulnerable. It’s been a tough couple of days.”

“Yeah, I get that. You saw him die,” Sam said carefully. “But, he also just told you he slept with a woman. And…. only one of those things has not happened before.”

“So what? You think I’m jealous?”

“…are you?”

“No!” Dean exclaimed. “Surprised, yes. Cas is a big boy, he can do what he wants.”

“…He appeared to want, to give you some… attention. And you didn’t seem to be, discouraging it. That’s all.”

“Shut up.” Dean struggled. He did not want to be having this conversation. Not with his brother. Not with anyone. “Cas….” Oh shit. How was he ever going to explain this? “I told Cas how worried we were about him. About the other angels after him, and how the first reaper was trying to get to him by tailing us… and he, he broke down. I’ve never seen it before, but I guess, you know, he’s human now and maybe? That means, he can …cry. And, seeing him break down like that…I didn’t expect it to, but …”

“It made you break down.”

Dean snorted at Sam’s statement. He stared at the floor, feeling shame. Wondering if Sam would have shed a tear if he’d seen those tears in poor Castiel’s eyes. Sam, who was the big emo kid. If seeing Cas cry didn’t make Sam cry, what did that mean?

“I know, Dean. I understand you care about him. I do too,” Sam began. “He’s one of our best friends. But you two were in Purgatory together, he rescued you from hell, he rescued me from the cage. I know you’re very important to him, as well. For almost all the time you’ve known him, Cas hasn’t been a person. And no matter what happens …archangels exploding him, souls stolen from purgatory, leviathan, purgatory itself? He always finds a way back to us. Clearly, you and he do have a, a…bond like he said.”

“What are you saying, Sam?” Dean finally lifted his eyes from the floor. If Sam wanted to make it an argument, he’d fight with him. Getting mad, that was easier. The only problem was so far, he hadn’t heard anything he disagreed with.

“I’m saying, it makes sense that you two have a strong connection. And it is ok if you feel for him… things you don’t feel about anyone else. And you kinda wanted to, .…”

“Oh now you’re going to give me this I’m ok, you’re ok crap?”

“Look Dean, you’re my brother and I love you. Whatever you and Cas…are or have, it doesn’t matter to me. It doesn’t change anything about you.”

“I let him leave, Sam. He went right back out there into who knows what that’s looking for him, and I … I’m not there for him.”

“Dean, it’s ok,” Sam was looking at him across the table now with his big pity face, trying to be a comfort. He didn’t know what was worse, that Cas was gone, or that Sam knew…knew whatever Dean still couldn’t figure out there was to know. But it was something. A big heavy, gross something weighing down his chest and burning behind his eyes. 

And then there it was. Sam said it softly and plainly like it had been there the whole time, with a name, in words and everything. “You love him.”

The words hit Dean like a cold, unexpected wave. His impulse was to deny it, yet he couldn’t argue somehow. The words, as terrifying as they were, fit into the feeling behind his eyes and in his chest and clearly as puzzle pieces fitting together. He also thought of the smothering bear hug before Cas left and how much he didn’t want to let go. He couldn’t argue with that. 

Well, he could. But it would be a lie.

“Ok. We’re done.” Dean said with finality. 

“It’s all right.”

“Oh, what? What am I supposed to do? Cas moves in here and then what? We never leave because angels are on the lookout for us too? That’s not going to work, Sam. We don’t just get to go out and hunt and drink cocoa by the fireplace and grow old. That’s not going to happen.”

“Dean, you don’t have to have it all figured out. You just have to let yourself know that Cas makes you happy. That’s it.”

“He doesn’t make me happy. Half the time I’m either worried sick about him, I’ve prayed to him when he wasn’t answering me. Hell, outside of you – I can’t think of anyone else who pisses me off more. How long ago was he just losing the angel tablet to Crowley? Just before he screwed up Heaven? Again? He’s always screwing up.”

“So am I, Dean,” Sam said through a kind-of laugh that Dean was on the verge of deciding was worth getting pissed off about, “but you haven’t given up on me, either. And he’s sorry. You said, tonight, he’s broken up about it. Look, he doesn’t have to be a perfect person, or a perfect being, or whatever, for him to be important to you. It just is. Didn’t you just say to me, not too long ago that maybe it’s time for one of us to be happy?”

“So take a chance on Cas, huh? Sorry, that can’t happen.”

“Why not?” Sam asked.

Dean stood and got himself another glass of whiskey. There were so many reasons. Skipping over the first few which involved Sam and Zeke, and the fact that Sam didn’t know about Zeke. He rolled his glass back and forth between his hands and wished again, not to be having this conversation with Sam. Again, he opened his mouth unsure of what he was going to say and what spilled out was, “What would Dad think? Or Bobby?”

“Dad?” Sam’s voice was harsh with shock. “Dean, Dad and Bobby are gone. They’re not even alive to be influencing your decisions. And even if they were, don’t you think they’d want you to be happy?”

“Not necessarily.”

“Why should you care what Dad would say, he’s not here anymore? And Bobby? Come on. Bobby at least knew Cas. Honestly, I think Bobby always believed that you and Cas were a little in love. Bobby… would want you to be happy.”

Dean sighed heavily into his drink. If this was going to be a “getting past what other people think” piece of advice, it wasn’t going to happen. The thought of Bobby … and Sam…wanting him to be happy was nice, but it was futile. Dean didn’t really do happy, he knew.

Even if he did, there was Zeke. Zeke was saving Sammy’s life, and Zeke said no Cas. 

“Dean,” Sam was standing up and walking toward him. Dean realized he’d gotten lost for he didn’t know how long staring at his drink. “Are you going to be ok?”

“Yeah,” 

“Just think about it. Don’t you think you deserve to be happy?”

Sam already knew the answer to what Dean thought. He set his drink down and walked away. He couldn’t be I the same room with Sam’s pity face anymore. He went to his room and lay on his bed. He wished for sleep, but unfortunately all he could see on the back’s of his eyelids was Cas’s face. 

And all he could hear in his mind was a question similar to Sam’s….

“What’s the matter, don’t you think you deserve to be saved?”


End file.
